The waiting game

8/7/11 10:43 AM


I have never felt time pass as slowly as it is today. I don’t know if I will publish this post but I need something to keep from falling off the edge of anxiety. I have an incredibly vivid and at times morbid imagination and today it is torturing me. I’ve tried occupying myself otherwise, I could certainly get some more housework done but that just allows my mind more time and space to wander to places I don’t want it too. As a result this post will probably end up quite long and rambling. I’m currently in dispute with the phone company so I don’t have internet or phone until tomorrow morning so this post may also be broken into several parts as the day goes on.

We are currently in the midst of a health scare, more specifically Big Daddy is in the midst of a health scare. On Friday morning he noticed a sore spot on the right side of his neck behind his jaw, by mid morning this spot had turned into a lump and by afternoon this lump had turned into several lumps running behind his jaw and down his neck. It was also causing him enough discomfort for him to ask me to book a doctors appointment. The possible diagnoses he was given were a cyst or swelling in the lymph nodes. Treatment for cyst is fairly self explanatory, drainage and possibly removal + antibiotics, simple stuff. If its swelling of the Lymph nodes then further investigation would be required. So anyway he booked himself in to have an ultrasound which was yesterday afternoon, the ultrasound technician ruled out a cyst virtually straight away, he then called in a colleague to have a look , at which point Big Daddy heard them talking in hushed tones catching the words ‘Lymphoma’ and ‘bilateral’. The technician then had a look at the other side of Big Daddys neck as well as the front (he was only booked in to have the right side checked). He also began asking odd questions about wether Big Daddy has been feeling more tired than usual (of course he has we have a 6 month old that doesn’t sleep through), he also asked things like wether he has been experiencing any soreness under his arms or wether he has be getting very hot at nights. Answer to both was yes however we had previously attributed this to the fact that we have had just about every cold and flu virus going around go through our house this year. The appointment was ended with the technician advising that he was not allowed to give us the results that we would need to get them from the doctor, the results should now be with the doctor and we have been advised to call mid morning today to see if a follow up appointment is required or wether the antibiotics that he was given on Friday as a ‘just in case’ measure will be sufficient. As I mentioned before we have no working phone or internet at the moment so Big Daddy is making the call from work and I wont find out if he has to go in until he gets home this afternoon in about 4 hours.

Needless to say this is causing a certain degree of stress and anxiety. Not having the internet is a blessing in disguise at it means that I can’t go googling and seeing worst case scenarios. I do however have enough background knowledge to know that Lymphoma is cancer of the Lymph Nodes and Bilateral means both sides. For some reason something in the back of my mind is telling me that if it is the ‘C’ word then it’s one of the better ones to have especially if caught early. I don’t know if this is true or if it is a survival mechanism to prevent my panic button going into overdrive.

Being the practical couple that we are we decided not to ignore the proverbial elephant last night and discussed our options in the face of a ‘C’ word diagnosis, we covered things like finances and work, sperm harvesting, where he would need to go for treatment. While we agreed theres no sense worrying until we know I think it helped keep emotions from taking over too much. So now its the waiting game and thankfully the Chunky Monkey has just woken from his nap...a welcome distraction.

12:53 PM

Chunky Monkey is dosed up (he’s teething) and napping again, Mighty Midge is snuggled with me on the lounge and brain is starting to wander again. Its so hard being cut off from my lines of communication, its amazing how much we’ve come to rely on them as a society, the instant gratification generation. I’ve been sending a mental S.O.S to my friend hoping she’ll decided to head on up the mountain, or maybe she’s working today and will decide to pop in on her way past, I don’t even know whether I’d tell her yet but I just need to break the silence. There were a lot of silences between myself and Big Daddy, not uncomfortable ones but it was clear we were both lost in our thoughts of what will be. I caught him gazing at our boys often, not that this is out of the ordinary but there was a different tone to it. I guess I’m stating the obvious, of course there was a different tone to it. Sleep took its time to creep up but when it did Big Daddy seemed to sleep peacefully. I on the other hand lay there awake for several hours as I do when I have even the most mundane things on my mind. I’ve never dealt well with suspense, I’m impatient at the best of times and when my mind begins to chatter boy does it chatter. Maybe I should learn how to meditate, is it really possible to clear ones mind of all conscious thought? Sounds like heaven.

Isn’t it funny how kids seem to pick up on the vibe that somethings not quite right. Mighty Midgets Asthma has been playing up the last couple of days so he has been particularly grumpy and trying but today hes being about as well behaved as an overtired, sick 2 year old can be. I’m getting lots of ‘Lug you mummy’ and lots of snuggles. This causes my mind to wander to ridiculous places, scenarios I should be banishing from my mind until we know for sure.

1 hour and 45 minutes until Big Daddy finishes work. I should get things prepped for dinner while Chunky Monkey sleeps.

3:30 pm

Big Daddy is home, he called for his results but was told by the receptionist that there is a note on his file stating that they are not to disclose anything over the phone and the earliest appointment he can get is 4pm tomorrow so it looks like another sleepless night and long day ahead. We both keep saying to each other not to stress it could be nothing but I know the ominous tone of the message is plaguing us both. I can tell we’re both thinking the worst. He’s playing with our boys and I can see him jamming his fists into his eyes to hold off tears when he thinks I’m not looking. I’m sending prayers out into the universe, please please let me be overreacting. Tomorrow feels like forever away.

9/7/11 9:26 pm

No news is good news right?? We got the results this afternoon the news is neither good nor bad just a little confusing. One of the Lymph nodes on his right side is 3 times the size it should be and is flat instead of round and the ones on his left are beginning to swell. He needs to get blood tests done. At the moment they can’t confirm anything or rule anything out it is too early to tell. Big Daddy is under observation and has to go in for another ultra sound in a month or sooner if there is any significant change. There has been lots of discussions with the doctor around his family history of cancer and when he goes in for his blood test results needs to get bowel and prostate checked just to be safe. The doctor confirmed that he does have a lot of the possible symptoms for Lymphoma however these symptoms also fall in the range of someone who has 2 young children and is just simply exhausted, the size and shape of his nodes though and family history is concerning so for now we continue to wait and keep an eye on things. The good news is that if it was what we fear it has been caught early enough to treat.

Thats all I really have the energy for now that I’m coming down off the anxiety of the past few days, Mighty Midget is currently sick again and coughing and crying in his sleep so its off to bed for me and tonight I am praying for sleep, at least a couple of 3 hour blocks would be nice.