Isn’t funny how words can take on different meanings depending on who you are and what stage of life you’re in. In my late teens success was all about acing uni and getting into politics, having lots of money to party and travel and moving into an awesome apartment (with a balcony) with my best friend.
Then all of a sudden I met my fiancé and success became about proving wrong everyone who thought we wouldn’t last (we were engaged after only 3 weeks), saving enough money to move out of his parents house, buying a house of our own, planning a kickass wedding and topping the sales board in my new Job as a membership consultant at a big job.
Three years later right as I’d booked our wedding venues I fell pregnant with the Mighty Midget and he was born 6 weeks premature. Success was about getting him well enough to come out intensive care and being a good enough and aware enough parent to keep him out. And with the birth of the Chunky Monkey success became about moving beyond past mistakes and having the courage to try again at things that I wasn’t sure I could achieve, namely to try again at Breastfeeding.
My Breast Feeding journey begins with the mighty midget despite the fact that it wasn’t a great success. There were obstacles and ‘booby traps’ from the beginning, being premature we were not able to have the skin to skin contact needed in order to establish breast feeding. He was whisked away and I was unable to hold him for 3 days. During this time I pumped and hand expressed in order for him to be tube fed, he was fed in this manner exclusively for 8 days and on day 9 we began our first attempts at latching. He latched well initially however couldn’t stay on for long, becoming tired rapidly and had such a tiny mouth, the midwife suggested we try a shield. This made things markedly easier and by day 12 he was doing all ‘suck feeds’ and had gained enough weight to be released. There were restrictions on our feeding schedule however, we were told that Mighty Midget shouldn’t feed any more than 4 hourly or he would burn too much energy and lose weight again(Booby Trap#1). We were also advised by a different midwife that I had oversupply and now that he was doing all suck feeds I needed to stop pumping otherwise I would get mastitis, there was no talk of taking advantage of this to build a freezer stash in case he needed to be readmitted, the fact that I was using a shield and not getting stimulated as much by his suck also wasn’t considered when this advice was dispensed (Booby trap#2). After a couple of days at home things started to go down hill, all of a sudden he wanted to feed for up to an hour and a half at a time and then would be hungry again half an hour later. I vaguely remembered hearing or reading something about demand feeding and I couldn’t stand the sound of my baby crying so I would sit in the rocking chair all night sobbing and feeding wondering what I was doing wrong. When the community nurse came to my house for his first check up my worst fears were realised, he was not putting on weight. I described his feeding patterns and was told in no uncertain terms that this was far too long for a new born to feed, and even though his nappy output was good that he mustn’t be getting enough and this was why he hadn’t gained weight. I had to supplement and since I didn’t have much of a freezer stash due to booby trap#2 it had to be formula (Booby Trap#3). I was advised to pump after each feed (but wasn’t told to pump between feedings) however I wasn’t told for how long each time, I also wasn’t told that I wouldn’t necessarily get much milk out if he had just fed. I also wasn’t told about any supplements or foods I now know about that could have helped build supply. I was so heartbroken each time I pumped and got nothing and so relieved when at his next check up he had put on weight and had began sleeping well that eventually by about 2 months he was on completely formula and the pump had been packed away. I pushed it to the back of my mind and moved on.
When I found out I was pregnant with the Chunky Monkey I was determined to try again, I was terrified that I was going to have another premmie but fortune smiled on us and he was born 12 days before his official due date at a healthy weight of 3.9Kg. We got a blissful 2 hours of alone time to just cuddle skin to skin immediately after he was born and he latched within 10 minutes of that time and fed for about 20 minutes then fell asleep. His latch wasn’t perfect and had worn a sore patch on my nipple but I had colostrums leaking when he unlatched. I was ecstatic. We were in a much more breastfeeding friendly hospital than the first time and when I worried that he was feeding too often I was assured that this was normal, I was given brilliant advice about practicing nursing while side laying so we could both sleep. Despite this by around 4 weeks I was having doubts again, this largely due to certain people giving me booby trap advice about how often I was having to feed and that perhaps there wasn’t enough calories in my milk. My saviour came in the form of a woman I used to work with who just happened to be on facebook chat one day, we began discussing children and I was surprised to learn she was still feeding her 16 month old. My goal was to reach 12 months, I had never even considered the possibility of going longer. The next morning I received a page suggestion from her, The Leaky B@@b. I checked out the page and I was in heaven! I promptly posted my concerns and the ‘advice’ I had been given and within minutes I had several women reassuring me and encouraging me and I haven’t looked back since. We recently made it to 6 months and in that time have overcome hospital stays several colds, bouts of bronchiolitis, a minor brush with mastitis and returning to work. I have high hopes that our breastfeeding journey will continue for a long while yet and look forward to what the future successes are in store for my family and I.
Sunday 24 July 2011
Thursday 14 July 2011
The waiting game
8/7/11 10:43 AM
I have never felt time pass as slowly as it is today. I don’t know if I will publish this post but I need something to keep from falling off the edge of anxiety. I have an incredibly vivid and at times morbid imagination and today it is torturing me. I’ve tried occupying myself otherwise, I could certainly get some more housework done but that just allows my mind more time and space to wander to places I don’t want it too. As a result this post will probably end up quite long and rambling. I’m currently in dispute with the phone company so I don’t have internet or phone until tomorrow morning so this post may also be broken into several parts as the day goes on.
We are currently in the midst of a health scare, more specifically Big Daddy is in the midst of a health scare. On Friday morning he noticed a sore spot on the right side of his neck behind his jaw, by mid morning this spot had turned into a lump and by afternoon this lump had turned into several lumps running behind his jaw and down his neck. It was also causing him enough discomfort for him to ask me to book a doctors appointment. The possible diagnoses he was given were a cyst or swelling in the lymph nodes. Treatment for cyst is fairly self explanatory, drainage and possibly removal + antibiotics, simple stuff. If its swelling of the Lymph nodes then further investigation would be required. So anyway he booked himself in to have an ultrasound which was yesterday afternoon, the ultrasound technician ruled out a cyst virtually straight away, he then called in a colleague to have a look , at which point Big Daddy heard them talking in hushed tones catching the words ‘Lymphoma’ and ‘bilateral’. The technician then had a look at the other side of Big Daddys neck as well as the front (he was only booked in to have the right side checked). He also began asking odd questions about wether Big Daddy has been feeling more tired than usual (of course he has we have a 6 month old that doesn’t sleep through), he also asked things like wether he has been experiencing any soreness under his arms or wether he has be getting very hot at nights. Answer to both was yes however we had previously attributed this to the fact that we have had just about every cold and flu virus going around go through our house this year. The appointment was ended with the technician advising that he was not allowed to give us the results that we would need to get them from the doctor, the results should now be with the doctor and we have been advised to call mid morning today to see if a follow up appointment is required or wether the antibiotics that he was given on Friday as a ‘just in case’ measure will be sufficient. As I mentioned before we have no working phone or internet at the moment so Big Daddy is making the call from work and I wont find out if he has to go in until he gets home this afternoon in about 4 hours.
Needless to say this is causing a certain degree of stress and anxiety. Not having the internet is a blessing in disguise at it means that I can’t go googling and seeing worst case scenarios. I do however have enough background knowledge to know that Lymphoma is cancer of the Lymph Nodes and Bilateral means both sides. For some reason something in the back of my mind is telling me that if it is the ‘C’ word then it’s one of the better ones to have especially if caught early. I don’t know if this is true or if it is a survival mechanism to prevent my panic button going into overdrive.
Being the practical couple that we are we decided not to ignore the proverbial elephant last night and discussed our options in the face of a ‘C’ word diagnosis, we covered things like finances and work, sperm harvesting, where he would need to go for treatment. While we agreed theres no sense worrying until we know I think it helped keep emotions from taking over too much. So now its the waiting game and thankfully the Chunky Monkey has just woken from his nap...a welcome distraction.
12:53 PM
Chunky Monkey is dosed up (he’s teething) and napping again, Mighty Midge is snuggled with me on the lounge and brain is starting to wander again. Its so hard being cut off from my lines of communication, its amazing how much we’ve come to rely on them as a society, the instant gratification generation. I’ve been sending a mental S.O.S to my friend hoping she’ll decided to head on up the mountain, or maybe she’s working today and will decide to pop in on her way past, I don’t even know whether I’d tell her yet but I just need to break the silence. There were a lot of silences between myself and Big Daddy, not uncomfortable ones but it was clear we were both lost in our thoughts of what will be. I caught him gazing at our boys often, not that this is out of the ordinary but there was a different tone to it. I guess I’m stating the obvious, of course there was a different tone to it. Sleep took its time to creep up but when it did Big Daddy seemed to sleep peacefully. I on the other hand lay there awake for several hours as I do when I have even the most mundane things on my mind. I’ve never dealt well with suspense, I’m impatient at the best of times and when my mind begins to chatter boy does it chatter. Maybe I should learn how to meditate, is it really possible to clear ones mind of all conscious thought? Sounds like heaven.
Isn’t it funny how kids seem to pick up on the vibe that somethings not quite right. Mighty Midgets Asthma has been playing up the last couple of days so he has been particularly grumpy and trying but today hes being about as well behaved as an overtired, sick 2 year old can be. I’m getting lots of ‘Lug you mummy’ and lots of snuggles. This causes my mind to wander to ridiculous places, scenarios I should be banishing from my mind until we know for sure.
1 hour and 45 minutes until Big Daddy finishes work. I should get things prepped for dinner while Chunky Monkey sleeps.
3:30 pm
Big Daddy is home, he called for his results but was told by the receptionist that there is a note on his file stating that they are not to disclose anything over the phone and the earliest appointment he can get is 4pm tomorrow so it looks like another sleepless night and long day ahead. We both keep saying to each other not to stress it could be nothing but I know the ominous tone of the message is plaguing us both. I can tell we’re both thinking the worst. He’s playing with our boys and I can see him jamming his fists into his eyes to hold off tears when he thinks I’m not looking. I’m sending prayers out into the universe, please please let me be overreacting. Tomorrow feels like forever away.
9/7/11 9:26 pm
No news is good news right?? We got the results this afternoon the news is neither good nor bad just a little confusing. One of the Lymph nodes on his right side is 3 times the size it should be and is flat instead of round and the ones on his left are beginning to swell. He needs to get blood tests done. At the moment they can’t confirm anything or rule anything out it is too early to tell. Big Daddy is under observation and has to go in for another ultra sound in a month or sooner if there is any significant change. There has been lots of discussions with the doctor around his family history of cancer and when he goes in for his blood test results needs to get bowel and prostate checked just to be safe. The doctor confirmed that he does have a lot of the possible symptoms for Lymphoma however these symptoms also fall in the range of someone who has 2 young children and is just simply exhausted, the size and shape of his nodes though and family history is concerning so for now we continue to wait and keep an eye on things. The good news is that if it was what we fear it has been caught early enough to treat.
Thats all I really have the energy for now that I’m coming down off the anxiety of the past few days, Mighty Midget is currently sick again and coughing and crying in his sleep so its off to bed for me and tonight I am praying for sleep, at least a couple of 3 hour blocks would be nice.
I have never felt time pass as slowly as it is today. I don’t know if I will publish this post but I need something to keep from falling off the edge of anxiety. I have an incredibly vivid and at times morbid imagination and today it is torturing me. I’ve tried occupying myself otherwise, I could certainly get some more housework done but that just allows my mind more time and space to wander to places I don’t want it too. As a result this post will probably end up quite long and rambling. I’m currently in dispute with the phone company so I don’t have internet or phone until tomorrow morning so this post may also be broken into several parts as the day goes on.
We are currently in the midst of a health scare, more specifically Big Daddy is in the midst of a health scare. On Friday morning he noticed a sore spot on the right side of his neck behind his jaw, by mid morning this spot had turned into a lump and by afternoon this lump had turned into several lumps running behind his jaw and down his neck. It was also causing him enough discomfort for him to ask me to book a doctors appointment. The possible diagnoses he was given were a cyst or swelling in the lymph nodes. Treatment for cyst is fairly self explanatory, drainage and possibly removal + antibiotics, simple stuff. If its swelling of the Lymph nodes then further investigation would be required. So anyway he booked himself in to have an ultrasound which was yesterday afternoon, the ultrasound technician ruled out a cyst virtually straight away, he then called in a colleague to have a look , at which point Big Daddy heard them talking in hushed tones catching the words ‘Lymphoma’ and ‘bilateral’. The technician then had a look at the other side of Big Daddys neck as well as the front (he was only booked in to have the right side checked). He also began asking odd questions about wether Big Daddy has been feeling more tired than usual (of course he has we have a 6 month old that doesn’t sleep through), he also asked things like wether he has been experiencing any soreness under his arms or wether he has be getting very hot at nights. Answer to both was yes however we had previously attributed this to the fact that we have had just about every cold and flu virus going around go through our house this year. The appointment was ended with the technician advising that he was not allowed to give us the results that we would need to get them from the doctor, the results should now be with the doctor and we have been advised to call mid morning today to see if a follow up appointment is required or wether the antibiotics that he was given on Friday as a ‘just in case’ measure will be sufficient. As I mentioned before we have no working phone or internet at the moment so Big Daddy is making the call from work and I wont find out if he has to go in until he gets home this afternoon in about 4 hours.
Needless to say this is causing a certain degree of stress and anxiety. Not having the internet is a blessing in disguise at it means that I can’t go googling and seeing worst case scenarios. I do however have enough background knowledge to know that Lymphoma is cancer of the Lymph Nodes and Bilateral means both sides. For some reason something in the back of my mind is telling me that if it is the ‘C’ word then it’s one of the better ones to have especially if caught early. I don’t know if this is true or if it is a survival mechanism to prevent my panic button going into overdrive.
Being the practical couple that we are we decided not to ignore the proverbial elephant last night and discussed our options in the face of a ‘C’ word diagnosis, we covered things like finances and work, sperm harvesting, where he would need to go for treatment. While we agreed theres no sense worrying until we know I think it helped keep emotions from taking over too much. So now its the waiting game and thankfully the Chunky Monkey has just woken from his nap...a welcome distraction.
12:53 PM
Chunky Monkey is dosed up (he’s teething) and napping again, Mighty Midge is snuggled with me on the lounge and brain is starting to wander again. Its so hard being cut off from my lines of communication, its amazing how much we’ve come to rely on them as a society, the instant gratification generation. I’ve been sending a mental S.O.S to my friend hoping she’ll decided to head on up the mountain, or maybe she’s working today and will decide to pop in on her way past, I don’t even know whether I’d tell her yet but I just need to break the silence. There were a lot of silences between myself and Big Daddy, not uncomfortable ones but it was clear we were both lost in our thoughts of what will be. I caught him gazing at our boys often, not that this is out of the ordinary but there was a different tone to it. I guess I’m stating the obvious, of course there was a different tone to it. Sleep took its time to creep up but when it did Big Daddy seemed to sleep peacefully. I on the other hand lay there awake for several hours as I do when I have even the most mundane things on my mind. I’ve never dealt well with suspense, I’m impatient at the best of times and when my mind begins to chatter boy does it chatter. Maybe I should learn how to meditate, is it really possible to clear ones mind of all conscious thought? Sounds like heaven.
Isn’t it funny how kids seem to pick up on the vibe that somethings not quite right. Mighty Midgets Asthma has been playing up the last couple of days so he has been particularly grumpy and trying but today hes being about as well behaved as an overtired, sick 2 year old can be. I’m getting lots of ‘Lug you mummy’ and lots of snuggles. This causes my mind to wander to ridiculous places, scenarios I should be banishing from my mind until we know for sure.
1 hour and 45 minutes until Big Daddy finishes work. I should get things prepped for dinner while Chunky Monkey sleeps.
3:30 pm
Big Daddy is home, he called for his results but was told by the receptionist that there is a note on his file stating that they are not to disclose anything over the phone and the earliest appointment he can get is 4pm tomorrow so it looks like another sleepless night and long day ahead. We both keep saying to each other not to stress it could be nothing but I know the ominous tone of the message is plaguing us both. I can tell we’re both thinking the worst. He’s playing with our boys and I can see him jamming his fists into his eyes to hold off tears when he thinks I’m not looking. I’m sending prayers out into the universe, please please let me be overreacting. Tomorrow feels like forever away.
9/7/11 9:26 pm
No news is good news right?? We got the results this afternoon the news is neither good nor bad just a little confusing. One of the Lymph nodes on his right side is 3 times the size it should be and is flat instead of round and the ones on his left are beginning to swell. He needs to get blood tests done. At the moment they can’t confirm anything or rule anything out it is too early to tell. Big Daddy is under observation and has to go in for another ultra sound in a month or sooner if there is any significant change. There has been lots of discussions with the doctor around his family history of cancer and when he goes in for his blood test results needs to get bowel and prostate checked just to be safe. The doctor confirmed that he does have a lot of the possible symptoms for Lymphoma however these symptoms also fall in the range of someone who has 2 young children and is just simply exhausted, the size and shape of his nodes though and family history is concerning so for now we continue to wait and keep an eye on things. The good news is that if it was what we fear it has been caught early enough to treat.
Thats all I really have the energy for now that I’m coming down off the anxiety of the past few days, Mighty Midget is currently sick again and coughing and crying in his sleep so its off to bed for me and tonight I am praying for sleep, at least a couple of 3 hour blocks would be nice.
Sunday 10 July 2011
Be careful what you wish for
Ever wished your partner would help out more around the house, or at least pick up after themselves? I know I have on countless occasions; in fact I’ve often posted status updates on facebook to the tune of, ‘attention. Iceblock wrappers belong in the bin not on the lounge’ or ‘the safety gate is not your personal clothes horse’ or ‘clothes go in the washing basket not on the floor next to the washing basket, etc. I’ve been getting especially frustrated lately when Big Daddy can’t find something and asks me where I’ve ‘moved it too’, my not so polite response usually details the fact that he never puts things away in the same place he got them and how can I keep the house clean when my time is consumed tidying and putting away after him instead of scrubbing or vacuuming. Well this last fortnight I finally got what I wished for...in spades.
Big Daddy went around the house and tidied it to within an inch of its life he threw things away found homes for things that never had homes, wiped down surfaces that have never been wiped he even vacuumed and dusted. It was a beautiful sight to behold I showered him with praise. Praise was met with a lecture about how now if we just make sure we keep on top of things it won’t be a big job etc. I bit my tongue, knowing that I had shouted that exact rant only days before. The next few days I started to notice something strange and unnerving, I was losing my mind. Every time I put something down I seemed to lose it. I was constantly sure that I had gotten things out of their homes to use them for something but after several minutes of searching would find them still safely in their homes. Normally I would blame mummy brain but this was getting ridiculous, the house was tidier than ever how could I still be losing things? Then it dawned on me, I seemed to have grown an extra shadow... a round looming Big Daddy shaped shadow. It had been almost a week and the house was still spotless, however Big Daddy seemed constantly frustrated, sighing, shaking his head and closing things just a little louder than they needed to be closed. This behaviour seemed familiar. It is the very same passive aggressive behaviour I employ when I’m brewing on something. Instantly I knew he was getting frustrated with my ‘mess’, I started becoming defensive shouting at him to sit down I would get to it in a second. It all came to a head one morning when I was scurrying trying to unpack the table after breakfast while the Chunky Monkey was still content and before Big Daddy swooped. Too late, the next thing I knew he was at the sink huffily washing a bowl. I tersely told him to put it down I was about to do it..and then the lecture began, apparently my problem is that I don’t finish one job before I start another. Excuse me! ‘My problem’ I told him ‘is that somebody has kidnapped my easy going relaxed man and replaced him with fucking Gestapo! I can’t even stop to scratch my ass before someone is getting impatient about the dish that has been on the bench for a whole 3 fucking minutes!’ The ensuing argument lasted a good 2 days, which is pretty unusual for us and there didn’t appear to be any resolution however we now seemed to have reached a happy medium...I think. Well the house is still tidy at least and I seem to be keeping on top of it to a standard that Big Daddy is content with, things are good. Well thats what I thought until I went for my morning wee and saw that the corners on the toilet roll had been folded hotel style. Lord give me strength!
Big Daddy went around the house and tidied it to within an inch of its life he threw things away found homes for things that never had homes, wiped down surfaces that have never been wiped he even vacuumed and dusted. It was a beautiful sight to behold I showered him with praise. Praise was met with a lecture about how now if we just make sure we keep on top of things it won’t be a big job etc. I bit my tongue, knowing that I had shouted that exact rant only days before. The next few days I started to notice something strange and unnerving, I was losing my mind. Every time I put something down I seemed to lose it. I was constantly sure that I had gotten things out of their homes to use them for something but after several minutes of searching would find them still safely in their homes. Normally I would blame mummy brain but this was getting ridiculous, the house was tidier than ever how could I still be losing things? Then it dawned on me, I seemed to have grown an extra shadow... a round looming Big Daddy shaped shadow. It had been almost a week and the house was still spotless, however Big Daddy seemed constantly frustrated, sighing, shaking his head and closing things just a little louder than they needed to be closed. This behaviour seemed familiar. It is the very same passive aggressive behaviour I employ when I’m brewing on something. Instantly I knew he was getting frustrated with my ‘mess’, I started becoming defensive shouting at him to sit down I would get to it in a second. It all came to a head one morning when I was scurrying trying to unpack the table after breakfast while the Chunky Monkey was still content and before Big Daddy swooped. Too late, the next thing I knew he was at the sink huffily washing a bowl. I tersely told him to put it down I was about to do it..and then the lecture began, apparently my problem is that I don’t finish one job before I start another. Excuse me! ‘My problem’ I told him ‘is that somebody has kidnapped my easy going relaxed man and replaced him with fucking Gestapo! I can’t even stop to scratch my ass before someone is getting impatient about the dish that has been on the bench for a whole 3 fucking minutes!’ The ensuing argument lasted a good 2 days, which is pretty unusual for us and there didn’t appear to be any resolution however we now seemed to have reached a happy medium...I think. Well the house is still tidy at least and I seem to be keeping on top of it to a standard that Big Daddy is content with, things are good. Well thats what I thought until I went for my morning wee and saw that the corners on the toilet roll had been folded hotel style. Lord give me strength!
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